Posted by: trevormeers | December 25, 2009

Dispatch From Ice Station Claus

Day One
The crew seems to be dealing well thus far with our being stranded by blizzard during the Christmas holiday. The storm encompasses the entire mid-continent, locking down nearly all other parties within our sector. We have noticed activity from only two other expeditions: Team Wal-Mart and Team Drunk Guys In Jacked-Up Truck.

We have laid in a healthy store of supplies to see us through, and although we were unable to secure any Bovril sledding ration before the storm set upon us, we have filled our hold with Lipton Antioxidant White Tea (sparkling and non), chocolate-dipped pretzels, Patsy’s Egg Casserole, Applebee’s leftovers and innumerable variations on cheese, crackers and summer sausage. I am holding the iced mocha punch in reserve to boost crew morale when needed. We should not have to resort to eating the dogs, which is fortunate, as they are each elderly and thin and would provide precious little relief.

As a preemptive strike against sinking morale, I led much of the crew out onto the ice for a spirited snowball fight in the late afternoon. In addition to providing excellent exercise, it also gave the crew a chance to laugh despite our lonely predicament. I was forced to have a stern conversation with Crewman Caleb who disrupted a particularly rousing exchange of snowballs by lying on his back and declaring, “I have snow in my pants.”

Once night set in, we rationed out our Chocolate Dream Coffee Cake and a portion of Caribou Coffee breakfast blend. The crew retired to their improvised quarters wearing their holiday pajamas crafted from the hides of passing penguins.

Day Two
I have spent much of the day incapacitated by the diet forced upon us by our situation. We are now subsisting on little but dips, holiday cookies, leftover punch, Dorothy Lynch dressing and several dozen pounds of sugar. The crew revived me with a medicinal dose of General Foods International Coffee, which I can not recommend for consumption except in such dire circumstances.

At midday, we ventured out onto the ice with the crew for another morale-building outing. We had no recreational equipment after being forced to eat our soccer balls and cricket bats as side dishes with our Orange You Glad It’s Christmas Citrus Cinnamon Rolls this morning. Thus, I encouraged the crew to entertain themselves by sliding on the ice in humorous imitations of the local penguins. Regrettably, I was forced again to discipline Crewman Caleb, who disrupted today’s festivities with claims of, “My toes feel like burning.”

Day Three
The storm continues unabated, but great relief came today when Crewman Geekston cobbled together wire, paper, wine corks and integrated circuit boards into a device he calls the “Wii.” This little contraption provided hours of diversion for the crew as they played simulated versions of polo, cricket, rugby and cribbage. Unfortunately, the fun ended for all of us when Crewman Caleb selfishly quit cranking the improvised generator after a mere 5 hours at the handle.

I owe a great debt to the crew for rescuing me from the brink of insanity in recent hours. I was pushed there upon hearing the 87th version of “White Christmas” on the Non-Stop Holiday Hits radio station playing endlessly on the satellite TV dish Geekston built from a discarded disc sled. Curse you, Linda Ronstadt! Only the crew’s outstanding work assembling the Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom Lego set distracted my mind and made me again fit for command.

I have decided that we will, after all, eat one of the dogs. While this may be unnecessary in the strictest nutritional sense, the dog’s tasteless, small holiday sweater has proven unbearable to me in such close quarters. I think the meal, and certainly the removal of this sweater, will greatly encourage the crew.



  1. Good show lads!

  2. […] although the explorer’s light-hearted dashes now look as dated as the jolly old empire itself, their spirit hasn’t abandoned me.  This explains why a spring night not long ago found our family hunched […]

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