Posted by: trevormeers | November 26, 2010

Memo Regarding Reorganization of Toy Division

Attention, all toys: I want to thank you for joining me here in the conference core. Obviously, the holiday season is upon us, which clearly means we’ll be seeing a big influx of new toys in about a month. And although we hate to say it, it’s pretty obvious as you look around the house that the new hires will require some changes around here. Our organization has to adapt. Not to mention our Executive Vice President of Residential Management is pretty sick of stepping on things in the living room floor in the middle of the night.

"Ted, it's time for a hard look at how things have been going."

To help us prepare for these structural realignments in the toy box, we’re going to be conducting performance appraisals with each toy in the next few days to evaluate your standing in the organization. So at this time, I’d like to begin having those one-on-one discussions. Please step into the side room as your name is called.

Big Ted – First of all, Ted, great job on last week’s run-in with the worries about the Boogey Man at bedtime. I can’t think of anyone else on our team that’s snuggled up in bed and rubbed out more bad dreams than you. And our organization will always be in your debt for the covered-wagon camping trip a few years ago. Not many big white bears would have handled that one with your good spirit. But we’re undergoing some changes in your area. The oldest kid has discovered a smooth jazz CD, and it’s really hitting it out of the park on helping her drift off to sleep. So we’re going to need to see some innovations out of you for bedtime pretty quickly here to help us clarify your position going forward.

Fancy Nancy Phone – To be completely honest, Nancy, we’ve had some complaints about your demeanor around the office. Certainly, your job is to talk. We all understand that. We even recognize that your clearly fake French accent is part of your core competency as a “fancy” play phone. But some of the other toys have come to me in confidence to say that your constant use of “Ooooh-la-la” is interrupting their work. So one of your goals for the next quarter is to seek new ways to continue to promote the Fancy Nancy brand while, uh, keeping it way down. Way, way down.

Pan – I tell you, Pan. It’s always a pretty short chat with you, and this year is no exception. Another phenomenal job out of you. No toy has logged more miles with the youngest kid than you. And that whole thing at the art museum? Totally not your fault. So just keep up the great work.

Plastic Fruit & Vegetables – Guys, I’m more than a little disappointed to see that half of you didn’t even show up for this meeting. I mean, look at you, Cuttable Green Pepper! You don’t even have your left side; your Velcro attachment is hanging out, for crying out loud. And, Bunch Of Grapes? Where are the Carrot Sticks? Are you partners or not? Frankly, I haven’t see you as a complete set since the day you came out of the plastic. Every one of you needs to go dig around in the couch cushions and car seats and find the rest of your team before we talk any further. And you might want to pass the same message on to Mr. Potato Head. You know, if you can actually find one of his ears.

Gertie Ball – Your position has always been an unusual one, Gertie Ball. You’re not really a football, not really a Koosh ball. You’re pretty hard to throw in a straight line, and you can’t be bounced at all. But bottom line is this: You’re a blast to play with. You’re so soft you can’t bonk anybody in the nose. We haven’t had anyone stretch like you since Stretch Armstrong. Remember that guy? A real hall-of-famer. And the little kid can catch you, thanks to those nobbie things all over you. I have trouble explaining to the suits in the corner office what you do here, but don’t worry. I’ll always go to bat to keep you on-board.

 
 
 
 

"It's a better future, Barbie. I can see it from here."

Barbie –

I need you to go back and take another stab at your self-evaluation. What you’ve turned in here…well, it’s just not realistic. You’ve listed your goals as living in a beach house, driving a Corvette and being an astronaut, a marine biologist and a pet-shop owner. And your personal wellness goals are a little out there, too, what with this idea for a Leg Warmer Wednesday at the office and your goal of having a 14-inch waist. To help you drill down on some more down-to-earth goals, I’m going to connect you with a dynamite guy from the home office named Ken. Fabulous hair. I think you’ll like him.  

Elmo – Oh, hey there, Elmo. This is…wow. Pretty awkward. I have to confess that all of us in Corporate were under the impression that we’d let you go to the Thrift Store bin a couple of years ago. So imagine our surprise when someone turned you up in the yellow toy box last month. And, crazier still, is that, uh, it turns out you actually were named Chief Cuteness Officer some time ago. And that puts you over the Toy Division, which actually makes you my boss. So, apologies for all that Thrift Store business, and I’ll have my self-evaluation on your desk tomorrow. And with all due respect, sir, I feel that I have to go on record right now saying that I’m just not comfortable with giggling.

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Responses

  1. Fabulous post!! I just love it!! Again, so well done!!

  2. Hilarious. Found your site through your mom (via her friend at the Prairie City library). Keep writing – your skills are amazing.

    This would be a HILARIOUS Christmas letter!


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