Posted by: trevormeers | December 18, 2010

Camel #2: ‘I Made Some Poor Choices In Last Week’s Christmas Pageant’

I’d like to thank all the members of the media for coming to this press conference today. I’m going to read a prepared statement, but I will not be taking any questions.

As you know, there were some unfortunate extracurricular activities during the performance of last week’s Christmas pageant. And I am sorry to say that I played a significant part in most of the incidents.

Crowds gather to watch today's press conference held by Camel #2 (whose true identity has remained guarded outside the school).

First, I would like to extend an apology to Shepherd #1 and his family. Holding my fingers up in a “rabbit ear” gesture behind his head while he sang “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” was an immature thing to do, even though I’m only 8 and even though it pretty much was the funniest thing anyone has done since Mark Wilson sprayed Silly String at the mime during Career Day. My actions, while clearly hilarious, robbed the seriousness of the moment and ruined what should have been an adorable picture for Shepherd #1’s scrapbook.

I also would like to apologize to all three of the Wise Men. It was pure comedy genius for me to tape a sign to #3’s back that said “Hi, I’m Frank(incense).” It was, however, also the wrong thing to do, especially since I realized later that Wise Man #1 turned his back to the audience much more often and could have easily worn a sign labeling him “Gold(ilocks).”

Mrs. Merriheimer deserves a special apology from me regarding my intentional effort to sing one beat behind the rest of the Barnyard Animal Choir. I caused her unneeded stress over our month of practicing as she struggled to figure out why “I Said The Donkey” never came out quite right. I regret that her record string of conducting 37 straight Christmas Pageants was snapped because of a breakdown directly induced by me. But I would add that my sabotage of the song’s rhythm still really wasn’t as destructive as Tim Wolnick’s monotone singing.

To The Star, I want to say I’m sorry for mumbling lines from Star Wars while she attempted to say her lines. Her chronic nervousness at being on stage clearly wasn’t helped by me telling her, “Star, I am your father” just as the spotlight came on. But let’s be honest, Kelly Ralston would have been a better star anyway, but she was tall enough to fit into the angel wings and you weren’t.

To my partner, Camel #1, I want to say that I regret letting down the Camel Brotherhood by stuffing a water balloon into your hump right before the pageant started. This not only caused embarrassing wet spots on your costume as the show went on, but it is frankly not scientifically accurate since camels don’t really store water in their humps. And just to set the record straight, I want to say to Eddie McPhee: You were not a camel and I did not put water balloons anywhere near you, so I’m not taking the blame for the spots that appeared on your costume during the third song.

The sound guy deserves an apology for the situation that occurred when I grabbed the microphone from Joseph and began performing a loud, improvised “human beatbox” act. While I did lay down some fresh beats and pull out a sweet rhyme for “donkey,” the damage inflicted on the ears of the sound guy wearing headphones at that moment could turn out to be potentially permanent. My dad asked that I pass along the name of his attorney, by the way.  I said, MY DAD ASKED THAT I PASS…oh, sorry; just kidding.

I realize now that it was inappropriate for me to shout out, “Nice beard, bro!” in the middle of the program. It was especially insensitive for me to yell that at a member of the audience sitting in the front row. While I did not get the person’s name, I’d like to issue this public apology to them: “I’m sorry, ma’am. It won’t happen again.”

Finally, I would like to take this opportunity to announce my retirement from all future Christmas pageants. While I have enjoyed my career in these programs, it has become clear to me and my family—but mostly to Mrs. Merriheimer and the school board—that it is time for me to move on to other pursuits. Therefore, I’m announcing today to the world and to Mr. Hollingsworth, director of Fourth Grade Band, that I’m taking my talents to the Band Room! See you in the clarinet section!

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Responses

  1. Very entertaining!


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